First Casualty of the 2026 Gubernatorial Race: Ken McFeeters vs. Physics (Physics Wins)

June 16, 2025 - BIRMINGHAM, AL – The 2026 race for Alabama governor has claimed its first political-and orthopedic-casualty. On Sunday, gubernatorial hopeful Ken McFeeters "whiskey throttled"* a dirt bike straight into the annals of campaign folklore and directly into the ER at UAB's St. Vincent's St. Clair County Hospital.

Lacking the backing of Washington lobbyists, coastal elites, and cable news panels, McFeeters turned to the next best thing: a dirt bike stunt. Why speak softly and carry a big stick when you can scream down a gravel driveway doing a wheelie?

The stunt-er, "campaign strategy"-was designed to challenge front-runner Tommy Tuberville to a wheelie contest. McFeeters claimed it was to expose Tuberville's secret identity as a non-resident of Alabama, alleging the Senator would surely decline the challenge because, well, he doesn't live here. Plus, nothing says "true Alabamian" like a politician wheeling a two-wheeled death trap.

Inspired by a decades-old memory of glory and a firm belief that muscle memory ignores things like age and physics, McFeeters dropped hard-earned cash on a brand-new Kawasaki 110RL Friday evening. The goal? Pull a 100-yard wheelie to win the hearts of the off-roading electorate and embarrass Tuberville in the process.

Unfortunately, on the third attempt-just after whispering to himself, "How hard can this be?"-McFeeters met gravity. The dirt bike shot forward. Ken did not. He was left "knocked, shocked, bruised, and contused," as his press team later described it. A technician administering his CT scan kindly introduced him to the term "whiskey throttle," assuring him he was not the first middle-aged man to discover spinal humility via dirt bike.

McFeeters took the hospital wait in stride, reflecting on how "it pays to be flexible"-an ironic mantra given his current inability to sit, stand, or sneeze without seeing stars. Between ice packs and sympathetic chuckles from the ER staff (who rated his political stunt 10/10 for creativity, 0/10 for execution), Ken managed to win a few hearts, if not votes.

McFeeters, still donning Hey Dudes and a campaign grin, told the nurses: "Alabama doesn't need another outsider with big donors and a P.O. box-we need someone who's willing to break a tailbone for the people." Most nodded politely.

There was one slight hiccup during his hospital adventure: McFeeters was asked to return to his truck to stow his North American Arms .22 Magnum pocket pistol and Benchmade knife before being allowed to enter. "It really hurt to walk," Plus, I'm not trying to start another press release."

As for campaign fallout? McFeeters will be moving gingerly for a few weeks, wincing every time he helps his loyal German Shepherd into the truck and she's gone everywhere he goes including work for the last 8 years. But the bruised ego? That's the kind of hurt that lingers.

And yes, for those interested, there is a slightly used 2025 Kawasaki 110RL for sale just outside Birmingham. Minor cosmetic damage. Priced for a quick sale.

Footnote:

Whiskey Throttle – noun: The moment when your wrist forgets who's in charge, your throttle sticks wide open, and you achieve flight without a license. Side effects include embarrassment, concussions, and unexpected ER visits.